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"See how easy that was Ray. You asked a question and I answered. Now I ask the question. You answer." I don't know how to say 'I don't know' without being mad at myself," Ray ground out."You don't know what you are planning to do?" Liz asked"No I don't." That's fair. This is not a decision to make lightly. Tell me what you are thinking and feeling as you ponder this." Everything is at war. I want her; I hate myself for wanting her. I think about her. I hate myself for thinking about her. I hide from her. I hate myself for hiding from her. Do you see a pattern?" Ray joked sarcastically."It sounds like you still have these strong unresolved feelings for your wife. And are guilty over them." She cheated on me." You suspected that she was." Thinking and knowing are two different things. You may think there is a hell. I know there is one. That makes our feelings and motivations completely different. I didn't want to know. Then it was so blatant that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Each. I was starting to feel almost out of control, like events were leading me, rather than the other way around. At the same time, I had the strangest sense of freedom. Like it was fate dictating what happened. I wasn't responsible. I didn't make choices. I just did as I was told. It was scary and liberating at the same time!And it was so exciting. As we got closer to the strip club, I started to blush. I was thankful for my sunglasses. Then suddenly a thought occurred. Surely Johan isn't going to make me strip. I swallowed and trembled a little. I couldn't. No way. It would be like I was auditioning for a job there. God, what would THAT be like?I tried to imagine what a girl would feel like the first time she stripped all her clothes off in front of a room full of men. Dancing and twirling and teasing. Strangers. Ogling. Reaching for her body. Tossing money. Stroking their cocks. Oh God. I couldn't do it.My breathing shortened and I glanced down at my chest and fell back in the leather.
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